13 Reasons Why I probably shouldn't have kids

Fri, 18 May 2018 06:17:16 +0000

I don’t particularly like kids.
I never have. Growing up, I don’t recall ever wanting any - not even when my friends and I would daydream about our future husbands in elementary school, and they would tell me they would name their kids after me because I was their best friend, and I felt compelled to reply, Me too!, in a tone that was so overenthusiastic it sure gave me away.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m totally ok with the idea of other people having kids. I (kinda) understand that maternal instinct of wanting to have your own creature growing inside of you. I trust that giving birth is the most unique experience you could possibly have. I do believe you when you tell me there’s no such joy as seeing your toddler standing up for the first time or managing to tie their own shoelaces or whatever.
I’m ok with the idea that, even in a widely overcrowded world, people still want to have children. However, I don’t really want any of my own.

I myself am an only child, and I have no experience with kids. I have no younger siblings, I literally was the last kid on the block (all the other kids I used to play with were older), and the closest thing I have to a little sister is my younger cousin, who however lived too far away for me to see her on a daily basis.
As a result, I have no idea how to behave around kids. Mostly, they make me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know how to talk to them or how to entertain them. I feel like an idiot making silly voices and pretending I’m impressed at their drawing abilities.

I always thought I was ok with not having kids until all my friends started procreating. Even those who I never thought would get pregnant are now doing so voluntarily. This triggered a brief phase where I thought my maternal instinct had finally arisen, and I did feel the desire to spread my genes. For a few moths I incessantly nagged Giac and reminded him that the clock was ticking. I tried to lure him into the prospect of having a little him (but really I meant a little me) roaming around, someone you could send to harpsichord tuitions and bring up to be a mini Mozart (I knew he would find this appealing).
To be honest, the idea of raising a brand new human does sound appealing. The amount of responsibility terrifies me, but imagine creating a tiny vegan zero waste humanist gender neutral baby! Plus let’s be real, mixing me and Giac would result in a hilarious kid with ginger curls, and that does sound like the epitome of cuteness to me.
Since I also love naming things, I did come up with some pretty good ideas (Cassandra Rosemary anyone?), but I can always recycle those for my future pets (I have a list of names for them too).
Anyhow, I do realise that a nice hairdo and a cool appellative are not good enough reasons to produce a human being.

Giac also is not exactly looking forward to become a parent - not right now at least - and I eventually ended up realising that the only reason why I thought I wanted kids is that all my friends were having them and I didn’t want to be left out.
But as Giac rightly pointed out, we are not other people. Our friends having kids doesn’t mean we should have kids. It’s ok to have other priorities - such as travelling, which is our main thing (and yes I know you can still travel with kids but let’s be real, you’ll have to plan your trips around playground locations and kids activities and you can kiss impulsive decisions goodbye).
In spite of social pressure, it’s totally ok not to want kids. I’m very lucky that my own family doesn’t pester me at all about it. I know my parents secretly can’t wait to have little ones around and I do feel bad for them never to become grandparents (they would freaking love it), but this is my own choice and I know they will respect it.

I’m not completely ruling out the option of breeding at some point maybe, after all people do change their mind and you really never know, but for now I like my life the way it is and I’m not looking for any major changes for the time being.
But just for the sake of it (and because this blog is all about lists), let me conclude this post by enumerating all the reasons why I probably should’t be allowed to have kids.

I am too selfish
I do love (and need) my Me Time, and I’m not ready to give that up. I want to write and read and in general I have other priorities than pushing a toddler on a swing and making Playdough (unless it’s for my own entertainment).
I am too stingy
Everybody knows that kids are expensive, but with me trying to be as frugal as possible and Giac being a bit of a spendthrift, we’d find it hard to wedge a third presence in the spectrum.
I am a kid myself
My main aspirations at present are to get my septum pierced, dye my hair purple and move into a van. Go figure.
I’d be too blunt
I’d never be able to get excited about my child’s lame accomplishments. I'd be like, Ok, you made it alive to the end of the slide, congratulations. Now go get a job, you useless poo-poo bag.
What if I don’t like them
I’m not even kidding. What if your children turn up to be jerks? You can’t just give up on your own kids. You have to stick with them and love them even if they are dicks.
I’m a cooking inept
I have been known for dining on carrot cake and cold sausages dipped in aioli (in this order) standing by the kitchen counter. I am not physically able to make a proper meal for myself, let alone another human being. Just ask Giac.
I like the idea of being the last Peri
Being an only child and a female, my family name will die with me. This makes me feel special. Like I have a secret that I can take to the grave. *insert evil laugh here*
The education system gives me anxiety
If I think about what I went through when I was in school, I would never want my own kids to endure the same. You do have to shove some knowledge into those little brains, but just thinking about the endless possibilities (public, private, formal, informal, non-formal, Montessori, charter school, magnet school, homeschooling, unschooling, deschooling, learn from watching, learn from doing - YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN??) makes me want to cut myself open and rip my own ovaries off.
The thought of having to keep another human alive terrifies me
People still tease me for letting a cactus die. How can you expect a baby to keep functioning with someone who is capable of killing a plant you don't even have to water? Honestly, I'm not even that good at taking care of my own self, I don't even want to begin thinking about how it would be to have someone else's life in my hands.
Overpopulation
This concerns me so much that I’ve said it before and I’m not afraid to say it again: we don't need more people, we need a new plague. The eco warrior in me knows that the best way to protect our children from climate change, global warming and all that jazz is to not have children in the first place. Here's an interesting article about the subject, go change your mind.
The world sucks
Earth is a beautiful place and people can be amazing but there are also SO MANY things that are wrong and sad and horrible on this planet. I don’t want my kids to grow up in a world where bigoted assholes can be president, students get shot in school, unemployment rate is sky high, buying a house is a luxury, racism and homophobia run rampant, the media shape our perception of what is beautiful and acceptable, coming out is stressful and rape victims thinks it's their fault.
I will die alone
Sometimes I get concerned that nobody is going to be around to take care of me when I’m an old decrepit ballsack, and I have considered having kids just so they can look after me and I don't have to end up in a home. I think I should be sterilised just for writing this.
And finally
I am horrified by the thought of having to clip someone else’s nails.